[There's little left to hide now that his identity has been laid bare— to himself, and to anyone keeping an ear to the latest campus gossip, letting the name Casval loose to rattle his mind. A reminder first of the man he killed years ago, and second, of the mask he used to overwrite him.
With an uneasy sigh, he offers Lovecraft a touch more context for his abrupt, unusual behavior. His feelings for Lalah Sune run deep, scarring as they are— but there is something else keeping him in this unsettled state.]
...You must think I've been acting oddly. If that's the case, I don't blame you. You've heard the rumors, haven't you?
[He is acting oddly. But even he is unsure whether this is normal or merely a reaction to their situation. Nishi seems to be a man of many layers. He always encounters another one every time they meet.]
[Alternatively, he's like an onion: stinky and layered. Lovecraft's view of him is much kinder...]
...I suspected as much, but that leaves me in the awkward position of breaking the news to you. You're bound to hear about it at some point, so let me set the record straight.
[What the Extras gossip about ends up drifting around campus regardless, and with each turn in a long game of telephone, the truth inevitably distorts.]
My identity has found me. Rather, the name I left behind has. With it came the memories I'd been missing— all of them, up until the time of my death.
[Now that's a surprise. He draws back to look at his face again. It is the same face. But he says the identity has found him, like a predator onto prey.]
[He frowns a little. He didn't expect Nishi as some saint, but...]
Now, supposing you'll respond the way I expect you will...
[Little will shock Lovecraft. He could tell Lovecraft that he tried to drop an abandoned space colony on the Earth to force humanity into space and he'd take it on the chin.
...So let him ask this instead—]
What would it take for you to see me as a terrible man?
[His answer comes to mind a little too swiftly, like it's a belief he firmly holds.]
I want to be seen as a terrible man... because it keeps me honest. It reminds me of what I've done, what I cannot undo. Admiration is a luxury I cannot afford.
[A foolish notion, and he knows it. Bless Lovecraft for stating it plainly. Char may already be aware of how naive it sounds, but it helps to be kept in check by a voice he holds in high regard.]
That may be true... but it's not so easy to shake. Tell me, at what point are a man's actions beyond forgiveness?
[He pauses, eyes narrowing, as though the answer might be written in the air between them.]
And then there's the matter of forgiving oneself... but even if I could, I would not grant it.
You really ought to give yourself a great deal more credit than you do. That's a very astute observation— and something I've wrestled with for a long time.
[What would it mean to forgive himself? What would it take? Char... doesn't even know where to begin.]
I suppose, if I must continue on, that I should try to figure it out.
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insistence) wrote2025-08-18 04:41 pm
no subject
With an uneasy sigh, he offers Lovecraft a touch more context for his abrupt, unusual behavior. His feelings for Lalah Sune run deep, scarring as they are— but there is something else keeping him in this unsettled state.]
...You must think I've been acting oddly. If that's the case, I don't blame you. You've heard the rumors, haven't you?
[Rumors. More like uncomfortable truths.]
no subject
[A little shake of the head at his question.]
I do not listen to such...nonsense.
[And the crowds of Extras scare him, anyways.]
Did they say something...about you?
no subject
...I suspected as much, but that leaves me in the awkward position of breaking the news to you. You're bound to hear about it at some point, so let me set the record straight.
[What the Extras gossip about ends up drifting around campus regardless, and with each turn in a long game of telephone, the truth inevitably distorts.]
My identity has found me. Rather, the name I left behind has. With it came the memories I'd been missing— all of them, up until the time of my death.
no subject
[Now that's a surprise. He draws back to look at his face again. It is the same face. But he says the identity has found him, like a predator onto prey.]
[He frowns a little. He didn't expect Nishi as some saint, but...]
Is the truth so terrible?
no subject
[Little will shock Lovecraft. He could tell Lovecraft that he tried to drop an abandoned space colony on the Earth to force humanity into space and he'd take it on the chin.
...So let him ask this instead—]
What would it take for you to see me as a terrible man?
no subject
[He has an answer. But he asks this first.]
no subject
I want to be seen as a terrible man... because it keeps me honest. It reminds me of what I've done, what I cannot undo. Admiration is a luxury I cannot afford.
no subject
[He does not admire anyone. It simply is the way it is.]
Do you want...to be hated?
no subject
Not at all.
[He wants to be loved. Unconditionally loved. An impossible ask.]
But I deserve to be. That is what matters.
no subject
[Useless. As if anyone needs to beat themselves over and over again for something like that.]
[He sighs.]
It does nothing...in the long run.
no subject
That may be true... but it's not so easy to shake. Tell me, at what point are a man's actions beyond forgiveness?
[He pauses, eyes narrowing, as though the answer might be written in the air between them.]
And then there's the matter of forgiving oneself... but even if I could, I would not grant it.
no subject
[He knows sometimes he has not forgiven. He is petty like that.]
You yourself are...the most insurmountable. Obstacle.
no subject
You really ought to give yourself a great deal more credit than you do. That's a very astute observation— and something I've wrestled with for a long time.
[What would it mean to forgive himself? What would it take? Char... doesn't even know where to begin.]
I suppose, if I must continue on, that I should try to figure it out.